I have just a lil rant, lol. Can someone tell me what the big deal is with using the term bisexual. Ok in recent months I have come to learn that M doesn't like the term and doesn't appreciate that I am, I swear I never knew this, you would think we just met, lol.
When I set up the blog, I put on the profile that I was bi, that's how I classify myself. Let me break it down so you guys will understand where I am coming from. M is the only woman I have been with, that means I have not seen or touched a "real" winkie woo in almost 4 yrs, but I am still attracted to men. Now my attraction to women is new for me, and has grown with our relationship, first it was just M or so I thought, now I increasingly fine my self noticing other "studs" and appreciating other "femme's" shape. So I am attracted to both men and women, I thought that is what the term Bi meant.
For her it just seems to send up red flags, she used to date men too, but came out to herself about a year before we met (she was still in the closet the first yr of our relationship, half way anyway), and her first two encounters were with bisexual women like herself at the time. But for her she quickly realized that although she wasn't ready to come out of the closet she only wanted to be with women, however the other two women did not have the same revelation. The first one realized she cared for M but could never be in a relationship with a woman, so that was short lived. Then she started dating a friend, who was openly bisexual, and then up pops the girls out of state boyfriend. Then comes lil old, green me. Lol. I never turned back, and we have been together every since, so it should be a mute point right. You would think by now she knows that I am not changing my mind and she is not just a fly by night booty call, right? Not, its like when she saw the word on my blog it brought up old memories and I have had the term bisexual thrown at me in the last few months more than I ever have.
Unfortunately for me it appears that there is this automatic type cast when it comes to the term bisexual. I don't hop from one bed to the next, and I don't consider myself indecisive. I am not confused, or bi-curious. I am bisexual meaning I like both sexes, I am attracted to both sexes, capable of loving both sexes. It does not mean that I am doing any of this with two separate people at the same time or together. I am learning as I go, and my appetite is expanding, but I don't get the automatic assumption that comes along with the description.
I am not naive, everyone has a difference of opinion, their own vices, quirks vice versus, not to mention their own likes, dislikes, freakiness, etc. What I am attempting to say is that not every Bisexual person is the same, its like grouping every Lesbian, Gay Man, or Transgender into the same category and that's what we fight against, right?
I am me, I am confident in myself, and I have been embracing my journey all the way.
I am quite capable of loving one person and only one person. I never knew some Lesbian women had a problem with Bisexual women, and I get it to a certain extinct, but why group every woman into a small narrow minded group. I am forever learning......but someone has to help me with this one.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Changes....
Wow its been a long month, and I am still trying to grasp it all. M and I...separated but not really, its weird I know, .....here's the deal. We have been having issues for some time, and we have been trying to work on them together to no avail, so I had met my 'breaking point" and told her about 3 months before our last lease was up I thought we needed to take a break. She agreed or at least she said she did so we slowly started to make plans to go our separate ways. My head hurts just thinking about it....
Um lets just say it has not worked out that way. I'll tell on myself first, and be honest and say, when I said we needed a break I wanted magically for her to say or think "o crap I am loosing her let me pull it in, change my actions and do everything humanly possible to keep her." Didn't happen, we still had our issues and I have to admit that my feelings were crushed. Then I find out later that apparently she wanted me to say that we could stay together and work it out. O my I completely missed that one. I honestly want it to work and I don't want to throw nearly a 4yr relationship down the toilet, but I just can't figure it out. We live two separate places now but nothing much has changed. We still talk continuously throughout the day, we still have the same issues, I feel like my needs are not being met, and she still feels like I am treating her like a child and that I don't feel like I need to make any changes. We haven't argued nearly as much in the last month which is a plus.
Its a plus but its not enough. I don't want to push to hard because I feel that's all I have been doing is pushing, so I am trying to step back and let her find her own. But its hard because I feel like my life hangs in the balance while we take time to let her catch up. So what do I do, is my nagging question? I would be foolish not to acknowledge and accept that in no way shape or form am I a perfect person. I am a work in progress, it burns me however when I attempt to talk to her about my issues and that is her first response is "K you are not perfect you have issues to". UUUUUUUUgggggghhhhhhhhh! I am trying to be patient and listen to her issues legitimately without blowing my top each time, but it's tough.
My fear is that she is not gonna change, that she won't get it, I won't get it, we won't get it, til its just too late. I know that I love her with all my heart but ............I am terrified because I know that my feelings and patience are changing. I am at the walk away and see if it comes back stage, and if she doesn't she was never truly mine as I had previously thought. I am so lost, and so terrified that the end is near, all I can do is hold on and let the Lord fight this battle for me. I have been trying to fix it on my own, (1st prob) and it is simply not working. So I am trying to step back, pray more, and say less.....
Lord help me, I am not that talented.
Um lets just say it has not worked out that way. I'll tell on myself first, and be honest and say, when I said we needed a break I wanted magically for her to say or think "o crap I am loosing her let me pull it in, change my actions and do everything humanly possible to keep her." Didn't happen, we still had our issues and I have to admit that my feelings were crushed. Then I find out later that apparently she wanted me to say that we could stay together and work it out. O my I completely missed that one. I honestly want it to work and I don't want to throw nearly a 4yr relationship down the toilet, but I just can't figure it out. We live two separate places now but nothing much has changed. We still talk continuously throughout the day, we still have the same issues, I feel like my needs are not being met, and she still feels like I am treating her like a child and that I don't feel like I need to make any changes. We haven't argued nearly as much in the last month which is a plus.
Its a plus but its not enough. I don't want to push to hard because I feel that's all I have been doing is pushing, so I am trying to step back and let her find her own. But its hard because I feel like my life hangs in the balance while we take time to let her catch up. So what do I do, is my nagging question? I would be foolish not to acknowledge and accept that in no way shape or form am I a perfect person. I am a work in progress, it burns me however when I attempt to talk to her about my issues and that is her first response is "K you are not perfect you have issues to". UUUUUUUUgggggghhhhhhhhh! I am trying to be patient and listen to her issues legitimately without blowing my top each time, but it's tough.
My fear is that she is not gonna change, that she won't get it, I won't get it, we won't get it, til its just too late. I know that I love her with all my heart but ............I am terrified because I know that my feelings and patience are changing. I am at the walk away and see if it comes back stage, and if she doesn't she was never truly mine as I had previously thought. I am so lost, and so terrified that the end is near, all I can do is hold on and let the Lord fight this battle for me. I have been trying to fix it on my own, (1st prob) and it is simply not working. So I am trying to step back, pray more, and say less.....
Lord help me, I am not that talented.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccccccckkkkk!!!
I didn't realize it had been a month, since my last post. I have missed so much, I got to catch up. I have had no internet access due to my recent move, with two jobs, getting settled into a new apt and a new full time gig there has just been no time to do anything. But I am gonna get all caught up this week. I can't wait, oh I have some things on my mind....I can't wait to get down to business, gotta run to work...hope everyone has a blessed day!
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