After reading Chanel's post over at The Raimbow Room this morning I feel like there should be classes damn it!!! Well I have always felt that a lot of us could benefit from some type of guidance courses, or self help group or DVD or something! I don't know of any out there so I guess the blogs will have to do for now.....
I think coming into your own, learning who you are, "labeling" yourself, is a difficult thing when you factor in all the bull shit you may or may not encounter from the outside world, your family, and anyone who thinks they have the right to comment on your "lifestyle or personal choices". So when you add to the drama knowing how to behave and treat your friends, potential lovers, and yourself it can become system overload.
If I am real with myself I don't have what it takes or haven't quite figured out what it takes to make a Girl on Girl relationship work. Hell I had a hard enough time trying to figure out dating when I was exclusively dating men, now I throw women in the mix and I think I just expect them to know more, but its not quite that simple. I'm a fem, and I feel like I know my role, and I don't think that it has changed much with the gender, and maybe there in lies my problem. In my personal background, I had a father that was there but not there, definitely did not know how to talk to us and tell us what to expect from men or our significant others. He was too busy doing his own foolishness, and what I saw from him definitely did not make me want to say "oooooh I want a stud or man just like you daddy". And my mom, she tried but there was some valuable lessons that were missed, she was so busy ensuring that we just didn't give it up, that I honestly missed out on the lessons of just how to be lady, be courted, be me, play my position. I am sure I am not the only one that just wasn't taught or groomed on how to be.
There are some of us be it stud, fem, woman, or man that just have good manners, and a tender heart, who adapt and try to learn lifes lessons and actually take the lessons as a stepping stone in the right direction. But some its like the blind leading the blind. I can't teach a stud how to be a stud, no more than I could teach a man how to be a man, and no more than they could tell them how to be me. Oh but a lil guidance could go a long way. I know its asking for too much, but if we could find a way maybe the dating scene in LGBT community would not be such a joke. As it is right now either your in an instant marriage or caught up playing the field whether you like it or not.
Just a thought, but lets just say from a stud stand point, if you were never taught how to treat a woman, like you don't have a good representation of a man in your life to show you the ropes or if you are not willing to learn, how can you know your role. If your mom, sister, aunts, grandma etc never talked to you or showed you how to be a lady, how do you know what to expect, what to look for from your female suiters. From a fem stand point, how do I know what to look for in my friend, lover, counter part if I was never shown or taught what to expect or what to do.
Maybe if I had this, if I knew more, if I was exposed to the likes of being a "gentleman" or charming on a regular basis then maybe I would not get all warm and fuzzy inside at the first sign of someone who just has good manners. I missed the lessons on just being friends too, so I can honestly say I have crossed a line or two.... and could have used the 411.
I am just saying....
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Confusing as Hell....
M and I have been having problems for quite sometime. We went from a half cocked way of communicating to nothing. Just missing every mark, screwing up at every turn. We both played our roles, so no one person is to blame.
However when she is going thru something Ms. M shuts down completely, and on top of our non communicating, non functioning relationship, she keeps loosing people in her family. This is making her retreat even more. Her Aunt was the latest to pass about a month ago, and is now going thru an all too familiar battle again, with her step-dad, he is in the advance stages of Cancer. This is the same culprit that has taken out 4 of the 7 people that have passed in the 2 1/2 years.
I feel lost, I can't help her, I can't hold her, I can't make the pain go away. There is no reassuring her that it will get better, and that this too shall past. I feel selfish at the same time, I am being selfish at the same time. All I want to do is be there, but she deals with things from within her own shell. She does not function well in a crisis. All I can do, all she will let me do is be there when she calls, or be there on her terms. Understandably she is spending alot of time with her mom and step-father to make sure everything is ok.
I don't know where I fit in, where to start, or what to do. I have hit difficulty at every approach. I can't possibly ask her to focus on me, or this teetering relationship while things escalate at home. I don't want her to, ok well not completely, I just can't take the complete shut down.
But I have been shut out in some many different ways, and I have just never had anyone in my life that handles things like this. I have recently come to realize just how needy, overbearing, and in your face I can be when I feel like I am loosing everything.
Giving it to God, cause he is definitely the only one who can fix this, show us or give peace in the mist of this storm.
However when she is going thru something Ms. M shuts down completely, and on top of our non communicating, non functioning relationship, she keeps loosing people in her family. This is making her retreat even more. Her Aunt was the latest to pass about a month ago, and is now going thru an all too familiar battle again, with her step-dad, he is in the advance stages of Cancer. This is the same culprit that has taken out 4 of the 7 people that have passed in the 2 1/2 years.
I feel lost, I can't help her, I can't hold her, I can't make the pain go away. There is no reassuring her that it will get better, and that this too shall past. I feel selfish at the same time, I am being selfish at the same time. All I want to do is be there, but she deals with things from within her own shell. She does not function well in a crisis. All I can do, all she will let me do is be there when she calls, or be there on her terms. Understandably she is spending alot of time with her mom and step-father to make sure everything is ok.
I don't know where I fit in, where to start, or what to do. I have hit difficulty at every approach. I can't possibly ask her to focus on me, or this teetering relationship while things escalate at home. I don't want her to, ok well not completely, I just can't take the complete shut down.
But I have been shut out in some many different ways, and I have just never had anyone in my life that handles things like this. I have recently come to realize just how needy, overbearing, and in your face I can be when I feel like I am loosing everything.
Giving it to God, cause he is definitely the only one who can fix this, show us or give peace in the mist of this storm.
Praise Report
Before I finish working thru the madness, I need to stop and thank God for blessing me to get my car, last Tuesday and on My b-day of all days.
The day was not perfect but he kept in the mist of it all! I have a new found respect for public transportation, and the two hours that it takes to get from point A to point B!
Thank you Jesus!
The day was not perfect but he kept in the mist of it all! I have a new found respect for public transportation, and the two hours that it takes to get from point A to point B!
Thank you Jesus!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Disfunctional #1
Ok so I think maybe if I talk about the course of the relationship it will help me work some things out. Here goes nothing........
We started almost 4 years ago (4yrs in April). We were introduced thru a mutual acquaintance. She is my one and only lesbian encounter, but I knew immediately that our interaction would change my life forever. Corny, I know but honestly, I dove in head first and never even considered for a moment anything but being with her. To my family it was the shocker of a life time, I was 25, a PK who was raised in the church ALL my life, worked with kids, and seemed to be headed towards a "normal" life with a husband and kids in tow, .... only there was no man anywhere in sight.
Don't get me wrong if you count 2 of the faithful 3 that had circled in and out of my life since I lost my virginity, I was well on the way to being a prominent #2. Although I did not have a relationship that would stick, I had them constantly telling me how much they needed me in their lives while they held down their home life with their #1s. Straight foolishness! So when I met M, and the connection was there, I was all too happy to see where it would lead.
Where it led first was passion, intimacy, romance, and the most unbelievable sexual experiences ever.... I was hooked. We started dating, and by dating I mean spending every waking moment and one anothers place. We enjoyed each other's company, and I can't say that we did an awfully lot back then other than stay locked up in the house, and that was enough!
We had our first real tisk over a key to her place. I have always moved too fast, and can honestly say never really dated or knew how to date so I did/do everything completely half assed backwards. So I knew that I liked this girl, 24 days after we first met, we made it official, and I think a week or maybe two after that I invited her over for dinner and gave her a key to my place. Yeah I was wasting no time, well when she didn't return the same gesture in the upcoming days all HELL broke loose.
After the key exchange I spent the next week or so at her house, and we would get up and get dressed at the same time even though I did not have to be at work until later. I grew increasingly aware that she was avoiding the key issue. She was not ready for me to have a key to her place, and I wanted to know why. It may have had something to do with knowing each other less than 60 days, but I was not trying to hear that.
I had talked it over with friends and was convinced she was tripping, so when I approached her about it we got into it. She thought maybe we needed some space for a few days, so I went home. Angry, mad, and upset I went home, absolutely convinced she felt things were moving too fast, and she sent me home so she could spend time with her ex (Awwwh the ex, what a joy, got to tell you more about that in the next one).
I went home for 2 days, had a date of my own, and fussed with her about how I felt she was not ready for a real relationship... the irony. Straight foolishness!
Smh at my damn self! *****sigh********
We started almost 4 years ago (4yrs in April). We were introduced thru a mutual acquaintance. She is my one and only lesbian encounter, but I knew immediately that our interaction would change my life forever. Corny, I know but honestly, I dove in head first and never even considered for a moment anything but being with her. To my family it was the shocker of a life time, I was 25, a PK who was raised in the church ALL my life, worked with kids, and seemed to be headed towards a "normal" life with a husband and kids in tow, .... only there was no man anywhere in sight.
Don't get me wrong if you count 2 of the faithful 3 that had circled in and out of my life since I lost my virginity, I was well on the way to being a prominent #2. Although I did not have a relationship that would stick, I had them constantly telling me how much they needed me in their lives while they held down their home life with their #1s. Straight foolishness! So when I met M, and the connection was there, I was all too happy to see where it would lead.
Where it led first was passion, intimacy, romance, and the most unbelievable sexual experiences ever.... I was hooked. We started dating, and by dating I mean spending every waking moment and one anothers place. We enjoyed each other's company, and I can't say that we did an awfully lot back then other than stay locked up in the house, and that was enough!
We had our first real tisk over a key to her place. I have always moved too fast, and can honestly say never really dated or knew how to date so I did/do everything completely half assed backwards. So I knew that I liked this girl, 24 days after we first met, we made it official, and I think a week or maybe two after that I invited her over for dinner and gave her a key to my place. Yeah I was wasting no time, well when she didn't return the same gesture in the upcoming days all HELL broke loose.
After the key exchange I spent the next week or so at her house, and we would get up and get dressed at the same time even though I did not have to be at work until later. I grew increasingly aware that she was avoiding the key issue. She was not ready for me to have a key to her place, and I wanted to know why. It may have had something to do with knowing each other less than 60 days, but I was not trying to hear that.
I had talked it over with friends and was convinced she was tripping, so when I approached her about it we got into it. She thought maybe we needed some space for a few days, so I went home. Angry, mad, and upset I went home, absolutely convinced she felt things were moving too fast, and she sent me home so she could spend time with her ex (Awwwh the ex, what a joy, got to tell you more about that in the next one).
I went home for 2 days, had a date of my own, and fussed with her about how I felt she was not ready for a real relationship... the irony. Straight foolishness!
Smh at my damn self! *****sigh********
Going Thru Every Test In The Book
You know when I started this blog I wanted to do so much, or so I told myself. I didn't necessarily want to talk about me, but about LGBT issues and how they effect me and my community. It has not really worked out that way.
#1 I have been completely inconsistent, and #2 I have been going thru so much in my personal life, that's all I really have wanted to talk about but for some reason I have just been hesitant to, scared to even. Weird huh, alot that is going on has to do with M and until 5 mins ago I had her on the email list to receive the post when I do a new one. So I guess I have been afraid to rock the boat even more, and add extra fuel to the fire.
But this morning, .... this morning if I do not say something, if I do not begin to let part of this out I am gonna scream!
I feel like my life is falling apart, and although I have been raised in church, FAITH, ... faith is definitely a struggle. I have been trying to have faith and believe that this is just another season that is passing thru my life for a reason, but it is so hard for me to hold onto that notion right now.
No money, no car (it died almost 2 months ago), and a failing relationship.... has made for a very uneasy, unhappy, semi-depressed Lady K. This is so not my character, trying to pray and praise my way thru everyday but I slip. I slip daily, start off thanking God but then end up saying why God by the end of the day. I am working on me.
SMH....*sigh*
#1 I have been completely inconsistent, and #2 I have been going thru so much in my personal life, that's all I really have wanted to talk about but for some reason I have just been hesitant to, scared to even. Weird huh, alot that is going on has to do with M and until 5 mins ago I had her on the email list to receive the post when I do a new one. So I guess I have been afraid to rock the boat even more, and add extra fuel to the fire.
But this morning, .... this morning if I do not say something, if I do not begin to let part of this out I am gonna scream!
I feel like my life is falling apart, and although I have been raised in church, FAITH, ... faith is definitely a struggle. I have been trying to have faith and believe that this is just another season that is passing thru my life for a reason, but it is so hard for me to hold onto that notion right now.
No money, no car (it died almost 2 months ago), and a failing relationship.... has made for a very uneasy, unhappy, semi-depressed Lady K. This is so not my character, trying to pray and praise my way thru everyday but I slip. I slip daily, start off thanking God but then end up saying why God by the end of the day. I am working on me.
SMH....*sigh*
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