Bisexual?!

I have just a lil rant, lol. Can someone tell me what the big deal is with using the term bisexual. Ok in recent months I have come to learn that M doesn't like the term and doesn't appreciate that I am, I swear I never knew this, you would think we just met, lol.

When I set up the blog, I put on the profile that I was bi, that's how I classify myself. Let me break it down so you guys will understand where I am coming from. M is the only woman I have been with, that means I have not seen or touched a "real" winkie woo in almost 4 yrs, but I am still attracted to men. Now my attraction to women is new for me, and has grown with our relationship, first it was just M or so I thought, now I increasingly fine my self noticing other "studs" and appreciating other "femme's" shape. So I am attracted to both men and women, I thought that is what the term Bi meant.

For her it just seems to send up red flags, she used to date men too, but came out to herself about a year before we met (she was still in the closet the first yr of our relationship, half way anyway), and her first two encounters were with bisexual women like herself at the time. But for her she quickly realized that although she wasn't ready to come out of the closet she only wanted to be with women, however the other two women did not have the same revelation. The first one realized she cared for M but could never be in a relationship with a woman, so that was short lived. Then she started dating a friend, who was openly bisexual, and then up pops the girls out of state boyfriend. Then comes lil old, green me. Lol. I never turned back, and we have been together every since, so it should be a mute point right. You would think by now she knows that I am not changing my mind and she is not just a fly by night booty call, right? Not, its like when she saw the word on my blog it brought up old memories and I have had the term bisexual thrown at me in the last few months more than I ever have.


Unfortunately for me it appears that there is this automatic type cast when it comes to the term bisexual. I don't hop from one bed to the next, and I don't consider myself indecisive. I am not confused, or bi-curious. I am bisexual meaning I like both sexes, I am attracted to both sexes, capable of loving both sexes. It does not mean that I am doing any of this with two separate people at the same time or together. I am learning as I go, and my appetite is expanding, but I don't get the automatic assumption that comes along with the description.

I am not naive, everyone has a difference of opinion, their own vices, quirks vice versus, not to mention their own likes, dislikes, freakiness, etc. What I am attempting to say is that not every Bisexual person is the same, its like grouping every Lesbian, Gay Man, or Transgender into the same category and that's what we fight against, right?

I am me, I am confident in myself, and I have been embracing my journey all the way.
I am quite capable of loving one person and only one person. I never knew some Lesbian women had a problem with Bisexual women, and I get it to a certain extinct, but why group every woman into a small narrow minded group. I am forever learning......but someone has to help me with this one.

Changes....

Wow its been a long month, and I am still trying to grasp it all. M and I...separated but not really, its weird I know, .....here's the deal. We have been having issues for some time, and we have been trying to work on them together to no avail, so I had met my 'breaking point" and told her about 3 months before our last lease was up I thought we needed to take a break. She agreed or at least she said she did so we slowly started to make plans to go our separate ways. My head hurts just thinking about it....

Um lets just say it has not worked out that way. I'll tell on myself first, and be honest and say, when I said we needed a break I wanted magically for her to say or think "o crap I am loosing her let me pull it in, change my actions and do everything humanly possible to keep her." Didn't happen, we still had our issues and I have to admit that my feelings were crushed. Then I find out later that apparently she wanted me to say that we could stay together and work it out. O my I completely missed that one. I honestly want it to work and I don't want to throw nearly a 4yr relationship down the toilet, but I just can't figure it out. We live two separate places now but nothing much has changed. We still talk continuously throughout the day, we still have the same issues, I feel like my needs are not being met, and she still feels like I am treating her like a child and that I don't feel like I need to make any changes. We haven't argued nearly as much in the last month which is a plus.

Its a plus but its not enough. I don't want to push to hard because I feel that's all I have been doing is pushing, so I am trying to step back and let her find her own. But its hard because I feel like my life hangs in the balance while we take time to let her catch up. So what do I do, is my nagging question? I would be foolish not to acknowledge and accept that in no way shape or form am I a perfect person. I am a work in progress, it burns me however when I attempt to talk to her about my issues and that is her first response is "K you are not perfect you have issues to". UUUUUUUUgggggghhhhhhhhh! I am trying to be patient and listen to her issues legitimately without blowing my top each time, but it's tough.

My fear is that she is not gonna change, that she won't get it, I won't get it, we won't get it, til its just too late. I know that I love her with all my heart but ............I am terrified because I know that my feelings and patience are changing. I am at the walk away and see if it comes back stage, and if she doesn't she was never truly mine as I had previously thought. I am so lost, and so terrified that the end is near, all I can do is hold on and let the Lord fight this battle for me. I have been trying to fix it on my own, (1st prob) and it is simply not working. So I am trying to step back, pray more, and say less.....

Lord help me, I am not that talented.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccccccckkkkk!!!

I didn't realize it had been a month, since my last post. I have missed so much, I got to catch up. I have had no internet access due to my recent move, with two jobs, getting settled into a new apt and a new full time gig there has just been no time to do anything. But I am gonna get all caught up this week. I can't wait, oh I have some things on my mind....I can't wait to get down to business, gotta run to work...hope everyone has a blessed day!

Churh Update....

Hello all, just a quick update......

I went to the Gay church this morning. I loved the experience, I really enjoyed the service. It was refreshing and I'll definitely be visiting again. The music will take some getting used to, what can I say I am a contemporary down south gospel girl, lol. But all in all it was a huge thumbs up.

It was funny because the sermon today was "Why do people hate?" and a couple of weeks ago when we visited another church the sermon's tag line was "Hate, on me Hater" penned oh so perfectly by sister Jill Scott. Is God trying to tell me something, its like I am getting a series without even going to the same fellowship. It was interesting listening from a different perspective of the same issue, today was loving those in spite of their hate for who or what you are and the power of that love. The one two weeks ago, was the power of God turning another person's hate or despise for you into the foundation for your blessing.

One heterosexual male pastor, and one lesbian woman pastor serving up the same gospel, got to love it!!! I had a great time today, and I was in and out in an hour!!!

Will I Ever Feel Comfortable........

I am in this constant war with myself. I know who I am, I love me, I love my girl, I love that I no longer shy away from who I am with friends and family, but I always want more.....

When I first "came out", my nose had to be wide open, I totally understood those 1st time experiences that SweeTT and Foxy wrote so poetically about. Ms. M (my girl) definitely took me there. It was my first taste, literally, and I was in love completely and totally from the first bite. I went from being curious to full fledged bisexual after our first encounter.

So much so that I told everyone almost immediately, I took on this major "take it or leave it attitude". With family and everyone, and that’s not honestly how I felt, but I needed to know. I really was just terrified of losing them all. I felt like my world was so small and I had to let them all know before they found out on their own. I told my girls in a conference call about three weeks in, all 5 of them. My mom knew that I was spending time away from home alot but she didn't know with whom, and one day I just blurted it out. I was only about a month or two into the relationship mind you. Mom said she already knew, God had already shown her. I was like great this should be easy, if you and God already talked about it, NOT. I should have waited to hear the rest of the conversation before I made that assumption. I told the rest of my family all within months.

M and I moved in together "officially" about three months after we started dating, but really it was more like a month, and we have been together every since. It’s like in my simple little head, us not working, was never even an option. So I was telling people, and taking names, not because I was attempting to be insensitive but because I knew what I was getting myself into the minute I realized I had feelings for M. I needed to know I had the support of my friends and family off the top. See I was ok with having to fight the world, because they didn't know me, but I was not ok with having to fight in my own backyard. I just needed to know who I had in my corner, who I needed to give more time, and who would never come around. In all honesty I approached the situation with blinders on and I realize now that things could have gone completely different. I am blessed to have survived the madness, and through it all the people that mattered are still here. Now I won't lie I lost a few friends and I took some harsh words from fam, but time truly does heal all wounds. I have taken the time to apologize for being such a jerk upfront (didn't apologize for who I was just how I went about letting it be known).

But now that the battle is over, and the dust has settled, I am ready to take on the world. I told you I’m always needing more.... In my heart I am a total activist, and I am at war with myself. I am open, but I am still reserved in the work place and very cautious about what I say in front of people in all settings. I normally start with a few people, and let the word spread as it may, it always does. I am a "femme" so people do not know unless I tell them or someone else does but I'm ok with that, because I am back to taking names (this time in a much more delicate way), lol. Really I just want to have the courage to be completely open, period, no wondering or worrying about whom I will offend today. You know surprisingly I was the one off the bat that was open to public affection, and just being free from the jump, it took M a while to come around although she had a couple of girlfriends before me (we will save that for another blog).

I want what I had when I dated men.... am I living in a fantasy world...

Is it so wrong to want the same rights of the other people that pay taxes....

Is it wrong to want the rights to be married and have children without spending extra money and time to make sure they would be taken care of if anything ever happened to me........

To make sure my spouse is healthy and has benefits.....

Is it wrong to feel there should be more outlets and programs for the youth and young teens that already know who they are...........

Or to just have the simple luxury to walk down the street, or be in a restaurant without catching looks when people realize "what" we are......

I love myself, and no matter who I am with, I have never agreed and will never agree that the GLBT community should not have the same rights as everyone else. So thus my dilemma begins, will I ever be comfortable in a world where other people are able to dictate my happiness. Yes I do know happiness comes from with in, and I feel like I am making a life for myself, learning my lessons and moving forward. But is my quality of life less important because I am a lesbian. Why is my life put up on an auction block for the next Politician to play with and make their ticket into office? Why are we taking a general vote on what’s best for the GLBT community, when it obviously doesn't affect everyone the same? And since we are taking a vote why is not every member of the GLBT community that is registered to vote not letting there voice be heard, why are we continuing to let others speak for us?

And this is the hard one, and maybe I am wrong.... but for the people who love us, I'm talking the people who truly know us, family, friends, associates, all the people who benefit from the wonderful people we are (speaking for myself I know I am pretty dang fantastic, lol) why don't more of them open their mouths for us. Especially within the African American community! We are your mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, doctors, lawyers, beauticians, barbers, teachers, coworkers, friends, etc.

They take from us, and love us but when it matters...... they boldly look on and say "its the life YOU choose, I can't support that". Again, is my quality of life less important because of whom I sleep with?

I will never be comfortable.... I will always want more.... I am starting with this blog, and I am forever working on me.

Church.....

I nearly gave my mom a heart attack this weekend. I have been wanting to visit a Gay Church here in Dallas for the last couple of weeks. I had mentioned this to my sis, and I guess she dropped that bomb on my mother, who promptly woke me up out of my sleep on Sunday to ask me had I lost my mind.

Now let me start by saying, I am very close to my mother and sister we tell each other alot. Not everything but alot, and although they do not like my "lifestyle" as they put it, but they love me and they really try to accept me for me no matter what. With that being said, I grew up in a religious home, brought up in church ALL MY LIFE, and my mom and grandmother are both evangelists. I have never had the conversation about my life with my grandmother but I know she knows, my mom and I on the other hand have had alot of conversations about it, some not so nice. The first year of my "coming out" good Lord I didn't know if we were gonna make it thru. But we did, and I thank God for it every day (she even tells my girlfriend she loves her on a regular basis now, but I'll save that for another post).

So I should have known the convo about the church would come up sooner or later. Even though my mom knows about my life, I tend not to bring up anything to knowingly raise her blood pressure, and quite frankly I like when we are living in harmony. I never forget when my girlfriend and I first started dating and my mother said just don't flaunt it in my face. Like I was supposed to live in seclusion, well we are long past that now but that whole spill still replays in my head from time to time. So I steer clear of open conversations of marriage, children, and the mention of a predominantly Gay church.

I know church, and I am curious to see if this one will be any different, or should I say what the major differences will be. Having been raised in an African-American C.O.G.I.C. church and then transferring to a non-denominational teaching when I was in my teens church is important part of my life. I love trying new things and I am EXCITED about visiting the church. I'm wandering if I will like the service, the choir, the music, just the whole ambiance. It will be different to be in a setting where my girlfriend could openly embrace/touch in CHURCH, and not have someone trying to figure us out. More importantly will I have that warm fuzzy feeling after I leave service.

For my mom, all she can see is me drifting further away from her. She almost acted as if the church was a cult. She said everything was Gay, like it was secluded and completely off beat. She didn't finish her statement for fear that she would offend me, she ended it with saying that I would see for myself. I guess after 28 yrs of me being her child she knew I was going to go anyway. I am just a curious person when it comes to ceratin things, and in my current state I'm all about being comfortable and exploring my surroundings. So its worth giving it a try at least once. You know whats weird is when I was a younger, my mom was the person that everyone went to with their issues. Including all the kids in CHURCH that were struggling with their sexuality and doing things at the age of 14, 15,16, and 17 that I had not even began to think about. I loved her for this, and so did the rest of the teens, she was our youth director and I had the cool mom on the block. Heck I thought this would make it easier when I finally discovered who I was at 25, not even, like I said that first year was rough.....

But mom or not, I just don't get CHURCH folk treating the LGBT community like its the plague. I grew up in a black church and Gay people have been a part of our communities for a very long time. Running the choir, playing instruments, preaching and by standing. Yet as a whole African Americans still try to handle it like its a dirty little secret. Its amazing, like as long as we don't actually utter the words, act on them, or proclaim who we are it will go away. Pure ignorance!!! I love my mom to death, and although I don't believe that these are exact thoughts, (I do know she would rather not deal with it) I do believe we got some growing to do!!!

Whats In Your Support System?

I don't know if its just me but from time to time I have to check my environment. Assess the people I have in my corner, or determine if I really have anyone down for me. This was huge issue for me when I initially came "out". I found that I made "friends" or latched on to people that were "family" or that claimed to understand me or accepted my lifestyle. Oh but I learned quickly that the quality of who you allow in your life far surpasses the quantity.

I was going thru an identity crisis of my own, and felt isolated from certain sectors of my life that were previously so important to me. The truth is when you are part of the LGBT community you are part of an "elite" club that comes with all the beautiful "perks" of hatred, maliciousness, and discrimination from the outside world, mainly focused on WHAT you are not WHO you are. When you are a part of this wonderful team its important to have the best support system available. For each of us that is comprised of something completely different.... friends, family, our partners, spouses, co-workers, pastor, etc.

Whatever or whoever it consist of make sure its true and consistent. Make sure its supportive and compliments you as a person. You have enough to fight with in the world, no need to bring the fight to your own backyard.

Check your surroundings, ask yourself if the people in your support system are right for you? And please do a self check, as important as it is for you to have the right people in your corner, its just as important for you to be accountable to those you love and support.

Missing Woman....

I saw this on one of the other blogs, and thought I would pass it on, never know you know ... Mitrice Richardson missing since last Friday ....http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2009/09/25/crimesider/entry5339581.shtml

Now with that being said.....

Let's get to talking people.... its on my heart to encourage everyone to be themselves, be positive and true. When I started this journey I had such a difficult time finding myself. Looking back on it I can admit that. I was so busy trying to prove that I was not gonna change, that I was letting every little thing get under my skin and I was changing right before everyones' eyes. In straight denial!!!! Change and growth is a part of life, if you know who you are embrace it. Live life and love it. Not every moment is gonna be happy and not everyone is going to love you, like you, or respect you. But if you love, like, and respect yourself the people on the outside looking in have no choice but to take notice,.... whether they admit it or not. See once you realize that you are fabulous with or without anyone elses' approval you will live a much happier life. So love you, take care of #1 first, and the rest will definitely follow.....

Thanks

Hello all thanks to everyone that has viewed the page and given me such positive feedback, I love you all for your support and EXPECT your truthfulness and suggestions.....

About Me

Hi I'm Lady K, and I am starting this blog in hopes of helping and uniting our community. I am a 28 year old bisexual woman, who at the age of 25 decided to be true to myself and found love in a very unexpected place. It was a huge change for my family and friends but it has brought me great joy and love. Along my journey I have grown and changed alot, I have had to hit my head a few times and I have to put a few people in their place, while learning mine all at the same time. And although I have changed I was blessed with a family that with great patience and understanding have learned to accept me and my mate as one. This is truly a blessing in itself and has come with much prayer, and yes a few arguments too. But with love and kindness I am still here and thanking God for every day. I want that same love and understanding for our entire community. We face struggles everyday like the average men and women of America, living in a country that is going thru a very public difficult time. However we have added issues and baggage that we are forced to carry that in part have the ability to make our life harder. Hopefully this blog will serve as a focal point for growth and understanding. With that being said, we will talk about everything no matter how minute. And we will address the big issues head on, with any luck the blog will atleast get you to talking and thinking outside the box. Or maybe even provide an outlet for expression and understanding. It doesn't matter your age, race, color, or creed this is intended for everyone. Feel free to post any "real" question you may have, and if I don't have the answer for you, I'll find one (a real one). For those that will be responding to post,.... this is about positive movement and upliftment, like you were told as a child "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all", stick to the Golden Rule and we will be just fine. With that being said, enjoy, and send me your thoughts, questions, and concerns and lets get it crackin!!! Love ya.....