Will I Ever Feel Comfortable........

I am in this constant war with myself. I know who I am, I love me, I love my girl, I love that I no longer shy away from who I am with friends and family, but I always want more.....

When I first "came out", my nose had to be wide open, I totally understood those 1st time experiences that SweeTT and Foxy wrote so poetically about. Ms. M (my girl) definitely took me there. It was my first taste, literally, and I was in love completely and totally from the first bite. I went from being curious to full fledged bisexual after our first encounter.

So much so that I told everyone almost immediately, I took on this major "take it or leave it attitude". With family and everyone, and that’s not honestly how I felt, but I needed to know. I really was just terrified of losing them all. I felt like my world was so small and I had to let them all know before they found out on their own. I told my girls in a conference call about three weeks in, all 5 of them. My mom knew that I was spending time away from home alot but she didn't know with whom, and one day I just blurted it out. I was only about a month or two into the relationship mind you. Mom said she already knew, God had already shown her. I was like great this should be easy, if you and God already talked about it, NOT. I should have waited to hear the rest of the conversation before I made that assumption. I told the rest of my family all within months.

M and I moved in together "officially" about three months after we started dating, but really it was more like a month, and we have been together every since. It’s like in my simple little head, us not working, was never even an option. So I was telling people, and taking names, not because I was attempting to be insensitive but because I knew what I was getting myself into the minute I realized I had feelings for M. I needed to know I had the support of my friends and family off the top. See I was ok with having to fight the world, because they didn't know me, but I was not ok with having to fight in my own backyard. I just needed to know who I had in my corner, who I needed to give more time, and who would never come around. In all honesty I approached the situation with blinders on and I realize now that things could have gone completely different. I am blessed to have survived the madness, and through it all the people that mattered are still here. Now I won't lie I lost a few friends and I took some harsh words from fam, but time truly does heal all wounds. I have taken the time to apologize for being such a jerk upfront (didn't apologize for who I was just how I went about letting it be known).

But now that the battle is over, and the dust has settled, I am ready to take on the world. I told you I’m always needing more.... In my heart I am a total activist, and I am at war with myself. I am open, but I am still reserved in the work place and very cautious about what I say in front of people in all settings. I normally start with a few people, and let the word spread as it may, it always does. I am a "femme" so people do not know unless I tell them or someone else does but I'm ok with that, because I am back to taking names (this time in a much more delicate way), lol. Really I just want to have the courage to be completely open, period, no wondering or worrying about whom I will offend today. You know surprisingly I was the one off the bat that was open to public affection, and just being free from the jump, it took M a while to come around although she had a couple of girlfriends before me (we will save that for another blog).

I want what I had when I dated men.... am I living in a fantasy world...

Is it so wrong to want the same rights of the other people that pay taxes....

Is it wrong to want the rights to be married and have children without spending extra money and time to make sure they would be taken care of if anything ever happened to me........

To make sure my spouse is healthy and has benefits.....

Is it wrong to feel there should be more outlets and programs for the youth and young teens that already know who they are...........

Or to just have the simple luxury to walk down the street, or be in a restaurant without catching looks when people realize "what" we are......

I love myself, and no matter who I am with, I have never agreed and will never agree that the GLBT community should not have the same rights as everyone else. So thus my dilemma begins, will I ever be comfortable in a world where other people are able to dictate my happiness. Yes I do know happiness comes from with in, and I feel like I am making a life for myself, learning my lessons and moving forward. But is my quality of life less important because I am a lesbian. Why is my life put up on an auction block for the next Politician to play with and make their ticket into office? Why are we taking a general vote on what’s best for the GLBT community, when it obviously doesn't affect everyone the same? And since we are taking a vote why is not every member of the GLBT community that is registered to vote not letting there voice be heard, why are we continuing to let others speak for us?

And this is the hard one, and maybe I am wrong.... but for the people who love us, I'm talking the people who truly know us, family, friends, associates, all the people who benefit from the wonderful people we are (speaking for myself I know I am pretty dang fantastic, lol) why don't more of them open their mouths for us. Especially within the African American community! We are your mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, doctors, lawyers, beauticians, barbers, teachers, coworkers, friends, etc.

They take from us, and love us but when it matters...... they boldly look on and say "its the life YOU choose, I can't support that". Again, is my quality of life less important because of whom I sleep with?

I will never be comfortable.... I will always want more.... I am starting with this blog, and I am forever working on me.