Hello all, just a quick update......
I went to the Gay church this morning. I loved the experience, I really enjoyed the service. It was refreshing and I'll definitely be visiting again. The music will take some getting used to, what can I say I am a contemporary down south gospel girl, lol. But all in all it was a huge thumbs up.
It was funny because the sermon today was "Why do people hate?" and a couple of weeks ago when we visited another church the sermon's tag line was "Hate, on me Hater" penned oh so perfectly by sister Jill Scott. Is God trying to tell me something, its like I am getting a series without even going to the same fellowship. It was interesting listening from a different perspective of the same issue, today was loving those in spite of their hate for who or what you are and the power of that love. The one two weeks ago, was the power of God turning another person's hate or despise for you into the foundation for your blessing.
One heterosexual male pastor, and one lesbian woman pastor serving up the same gospel, got to love it!!! I had a great time today, and I was in and out in an hour!!!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Will I Ever Feel Comfortable........
I am in this constant war with myself. I know who I am, I love me, I love my girl, I love that I no longer shy away from who I am with friends and family, but I always want more.....
When I first "came out", my nose had to be wide open, I totally understood those 1st time experiences that SweeTT and Foxy wrote so poetically about. Ms. M (my girl) definitely took me there. It was my first taste, literally, and I was in love completely and totally from the first bite. I went from being curious to full fledged bisexual after our first encounter.
So much so that I told everyone almost immediately, I took on this major "take it or leave it attitude". With family and everyone, and that’s not honestly how I felt, but I needed to know. I really was just terrified of losing them all. I felt like my world was so small and I had to let them all know before they found out on their own. I told my girls in a conference call about three weeks in, all 5 of them. My mom knew that I was spending time away from home alot but she didn't know with whom, and one day I just blurted it out. I was only about a month or two into the relationship mind you. Mom said she already knew, God had already shown her. I was like great this should be easy, if you and God already talked about it, NOT. I should have waited to hear the rest of the conversation before I made that assumption. I told the rest of my family all within months.
M and I moved in together "officially" about three months after we started dating, but really it was more like a month, and we have been together every since. It’s like in my simple little head, us not working, was never even an option. So I was telling people, and taking names, not because I was attempting to be insensitive but because I knew what I was getting myself into the minute I realized I had feelings for M. I needed to know I had the support of my friends and family off the top. See I was ok with having to fight the world, because they didn't know me, but I was not ok with having to fight in my own backyard. I just needed to know who I had in my corner, who I needed to give more time, and who would never come around. In all honesty I approached the situation with blinders on and I realize now that things could have gone completely different. I am blessed to have survived the madness, and through it all the people that mattered are still here. Now I won't lie I lost a few friends and I took some harsh words from fam, but time truly does heal all wounds. I have taken the time to apologize for being such a jerk upfront (didn't apologize for who I was just how I went about letting it be known).
But now that the battle is over, and the dust has settled, I am ready to take on the world. I told you I’m always needing more.... In my heart I am a total activist, and I am at war with myself. I am open, but I am still reserved in the work place and very cautious about what I say in front of people in all settings. I normally start with a few people, and let the word spread as it may, it always does. I am a "femme" so people do not know unless I tell them or someone else does but I'm ok with that, because I am back to taking names (this time in a much more delicate way), lol. Really I just want to have the courage to be completely open, period, no wondering or worrying about whom I will offend today. You know surprisingly I was the one off the bat that was open to public affection, and just being free from the jump, it took M a while to come around although she had a couple of girlfriends before me (we will save that for another blog).
I want what I had when I dated men.... am I living in a fantasy world...
Is it so wrong to want the same rights of the other people that pay taxes....
Is it wrong to want the rights to be married and have children without spending extra money and time to make sure they would be taken care of if anything ever happened to me........
To make sure my spouse is healthy and has benefits.....
Is it wrong to feel there should be more outlets and programs for the youth and young teens that already know who they are...........
Or to just have the simple luxury to walk down the street, or be in a restaurant without catching looks when people realize "what" we are......
I love myself, and no matter who I am with, I have never agreed and will never agree that the GLBT community should not have the same rights as everyone else. So thus my dilemma begins, will I ever be comfortable in a world where other people are able to dictate my happiness. Yes I do know happiness comes from with in, and I feel like I am making a life for myself, learning my lessons and moving forward. But is my quality of life less important because I am a lesbian. Why is my life put up on an auction block for the next Politician to play with and make their ticket into office? Why are we taking a general vote on what’s best for the GLBT community, when it obviously doesn't affect everyone the same? And since we are taking a vote why is not every member of the GLBT community that is registered to vote not letting there voice be heard, why are we continuing to let others speak for us?
And this is the hard one, and maybe I am wrong.... but for the people who love us, I'm talking the people who truly know us, family, friends, associates, all the people who benefit from the wonderful people we are (speaking for myself I know I am pretty dang fantastic, lol) why don't more of them open their mouths for us. Especially within the African American community! We are your mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, doctors, lawyers, beauticians, barbers, teachers, coworkers, friends, etc.
They take from us, and love us but when it matters...... they boldly look on and say "its the life YOU choose, I can't support that". Again, is my quality of life less important because of whom I sleep with?
I will never be comfortable.... I will always want more.... I am starting with this blog, and I am forever working on me.
When I first "came out", my nose had to be wide open, I totally understood those 1st time experiences that SweeTT and Foxy wrote so poetically about. Ms. M (my girl) definitely took me there. It was my first taste, literally, and I was in love completely and totally from the first bite. I went from being curious to full fledged bisexual after our first encounter.
So much so that I told everyone almost immediately, I took on this major "take it or leave it attitude". With family and everyone, and that’s not honestly how I felt, but I needed to know. I really was just terrified of losing them all. I felt like my world was so small and I had to let them all know before they found out on their own. I told my girls in a conference call about three weeks in, all 5 of them. My mom knew that I was spending time away from home alot but she didn't know with whom, and one day I just blurted it out. I was only about a month or two into the relationship mind you. Mom said she already knew, God had already shown her. I was like great this should be easy, if you and God already talked about it, NOT. I should have waited to hear the rest of the conversation before I made that assumption. I told the rest of my family all within months.
M and I moved in together "officially" about three months after we started dating, but really it was more like a month, and we have been together every since. It’s like in my simple little head, us not working, was never even an option. So I was telling people, and taking names, not because I was attempting to be insensitive but because I knew what I was getting myself into the minute I realized I had feelings for M. I needed to know I had the support of my friends and family off the top. See I was ok with having to fight the world, because they didn't know me, but I was not ok with having to fight in my own backyard. I just needed to know who I had in my corner, who I needed to give more time, and who would never come around. In all honesty I approached the situation with blinders on and I realize now that things could have gone completely different. I am blessed to have survived the madness, and through it all the people that mattered are still here. Now I won't lie I lost a few friends and I took some harsh words from fam, but time truly does heal all wounds. I have taken the time to apologize for being such a jerk upfront (didn't apologize for who I was just how I went about letting it be known).
But now that the battle is over, and the dust has settled, I am ready to take on the world. I told you I’m always needing more.... In my heart I am a total activist, and I am at war with myself. I am open, but I am still reserved in the work place and very cautious about what I say in front of people in all settings. I normally start with a few people, and let the word spread as it may, it always does. I am a "femme" so people do not know unless I tell them or someone else does but I'm ok with that, because I am back to taking names (this time in a much more delicate way), lol. Really I just want to have the courage to be completely open, period, no wondering or worrying about whom I will offend today. You know surprisingly I was the one off the bat that was open to public affection, and just being free from the jump, it took M a while to come around although she had a couple of girlfriends before me (we will save that for another blog).
I want what I had when I dated men.... am I living in a fantasy world...
Is it so wrong to want the same rights of the other people that pay taxes....
Is it wrong to want the rights to be married and have children without spending extra money and time to make sure they would be taken care of if anything ever happened to me........
To make sure my spouse is healthy and has benefits.....
Is it wrong to feel there should be more outlets and programs for the youth and young teens that already know who they are...........
Or to just have the simple luxury to walk down the street, or be in a restaurant without catching looks when people realize "what" we are......
I love myself, and no matter who I am with, I have never agreed and will never agree that the GLBT community should not have the same rights as everyone else. So thus my dilemma begins, will I ever be comfortable in a world where other people are able to dictate my happiness. Yes I do know happiness comes from with in, and I feel like I am making a life for myself, learning my lessons and moving forward. But is my quality of life less important because I am a lesbian. Why is my life put up on an auction block for the next Politician to play with and make their ticket into office? Why are we taking a general vote on what’s best for the GLBT community, when it obviously doesn't affect everyone the same? And since we are taking a vote why is not every member of the GLBT community that is registered to vote not letting there voice be heard, why are we continuing to let others speak for us?
And this is the hard one, and maybe I am wrong.... but for the people who love us, I'm talking the people who truly know us, family, friends, associates, all the people who benefit from the wonderful people we are (speaking for myself I know I am pretty dang fantastic, lol) why don't more of them open their mouths for us. Especially within the African American community! We are your mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, doctors, lawyers, beauticians, barbers, teachers, coworkers, friends, etc.
They take from us, and love us but when it matters...... they boldly look on and say "its the life YOU choose, I can't support that". Again, is my quality of life less important because of whom I sleep with?
I will never be comfortable.... I will always want more.... I am starting with this blog, and I am forever working on me.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Church.....
I nearly gave my mom a heart attack this weekend. I have been wanting to visit a Gay Church here in Dallas for the last couple of weeks. I had mentioned this to my sis, and I guess she dropped that bomb on my mother, who promptly woke me up out of my sleep on Sunday to ask me had I lost my mind.
Now let me start by saying, I am very close to my mother and sister we tell each other alot. Not everything but alot, and although they do not like my "lifestyle" as they put it, but they love me and they really try to accept me for me no matter what. With that being said, I grew up in a religious home, brought up in church ALL MY LIFE, and my mom and grandmother are both evangelists. I have never had the conversation about my life with my grandmother but I know she knows, my mom and I on the other hand have had alot of conversations about it, some not so nice. The first year of my "coming out" good Lord I didn't know if we were gonna make it thru. But we did, and I thank God for it every day (she even tells my girlfriend she loves her on a regular basis now, but I'll save that for another post).
So I should have known the convo about the church would come up sooner or later. Even though my mom knows about my life, I tend not to bring up anything to knowingly raise her blood pressure, and quite frankly I like when we are living in harmony. I never forget when my girlfriend and I first started dating and my mother said just don't flaunt it in my face. Like I was supposed to live in seclusion, well we are long past that now but that whole spill still replays in my head from time to time. So I steer clear of open conversations of marriage, children, and the mention of a predominantly Gay church.
I know church, and I am curious to see if this one will be any different, or should I say what the major differences will be. Having been raised in an African-American C.O.G.I.C. church and then transferring to a non-denominational teaching when I was in my teens church is important part of my life. I love trying new things and I am EXCITED about visiting the church. I'm wandering if I will like the service, the choir, the music, just the whole ambiance. It will be different to be in a setting where my girlfriend could openly embrace/touch in CHURCH, and not have someone trying to figure us out. More importantly will I have that warm fuzzy feeling after I leave service.
For my mom, all she can see is me drifting further away from her. She almost acted as if the church was a cult. She said everything was Gay, like it was secluded and completely off beat. She didn't finish her statement for fear that she would offend me, she ended it with saying that I would see for myself. I guess after 28 yrs of me being her child she knew I was going to go anyway. I am just a curious person when it comes to ceratin things, and in my current state I'm all about being comfortable and exploring my surroundings. So its worth giving it a try at least once. You know whats weird is when I was a younger, my mom was the person that everyone went to with their issues. Including all the kids in CHURCH that were struggling with their sexuality and doing things at the age of 14, 15,16, and 17 that I had not even began to think about. I loved her for this, and so did the rest of the teens, she was our youth director and I had the cool mom on the block. Heck I thought this would make it easier when I finally discovered who I was at 25, not even, like I said that first year was rough.....
But mom or not, I just don't get CHURCH folk treating the LGBT community like its the plague. I grew up in a black church and Gay people have been a part of our communities for a very long time. Running the choir, playing instruments, preaching and by standing. Yet as a whole African Americans still try to handle it like its a dirty little secret. Its amazing, like as long as we don't actually utter the words, act on them, or proclaim who we are it will go away. Pure ignorance!!! I love my mom to death, and although I don't believe that these are exact thoughts, (I do know she would rather not deal with it) I do believe we got some growing to do!!!
Now let me start by saying, I am very close to my mother and sister we tell each other alot. Not everything but alot, and although they do not like my "lifestyle" as they put it, but they love me and they really try to accept me for me no matter what. With that being said, I grew up in a religious home, brought up in church ALL MY LIFE, and my mom and grandmother are both evangelists. I have never had the conversation about my life with my grandmother but I know she knows, my mom and I on the other hand have had alot of conversations about it, some not so nice. The first year of my "coming out" good Lord I didn't know if we were gonna make it thru. But we did, and I thank God for it every day (she even tells my girlfriend she loves her on a regular basis now, but I'll save that for another post).
So I should have known the convo about the church would come up sooner or later. Even though my mom knows about my life, I tend not to bring up anything to knowingly raise her blood pressure, and quite frankly I like when we are living in harmony. I never forget when my girlfriend and I first started dating and my mother said just don't flaunt it in my face. Like I was supposed to live in seclusion, well we are long past that now but that whole spill still replays in my head from time to time. So I steer clear of open conversations of marriage, children, and the mention of a predominantly Gay church.
I know church, and I am curious to see if this one will be any different, or should I say what the major differences will be. Having been raised in an African-American C.O.G.I.C. church and then transferring to a non-denominational teaching when I was in my teens church is important part of my life. I love trying new things and I am EXCITED about visiting the church. I'm wandering if I will like the service, the choir, the music, just the whole ambiance. It will be different to be in a setting where my girlfriend could openly embrace/touch in CHURCH, and not have someone trying to figure us out. More importantly will I have that warm fuzzy feeling after I leave service.
For my mom, all she can see is me drifting further away from her. She almost acted as if the church was a cult. She said everything was Gay, like it was secluded and completely off beat. She didn't finish her statement for fear that she would offend me, she ended it with saying that I would see for myself. I guess after 28 yrs of me being her child she knew I was going to go anyway. I am just a curious person when it comes to ceratin things, and in my current state I'm all about being comfortable and exploring my surroundings. So its worth giving it a try at least once. You know whats weird is when I was a younger, my mom was the person that everyone went to with their issues. Including all the kids in CHURCH that were struggling with their sexuality and doing things at the age of 14, 15,16, and 17 that I had not even began to think about. I loved her for this, and so did the rest of the teens, she was our youth director and I had the cool mom on the block. Heck I thought this would make it easier when I finally discovered who I was at 25, not even, like I said that first year was rough.....
But mom or not, I just don't get CHURCH folk treating the LGBT community like its the plague. I grew up in a black church and Gay people have been a part of our communities for a very long time. Running the choir, playing instruments, preaching and by standing. Yet as a whole African Americans still try to handle it like its a dirty little secret. Its amazing, like as long as we don't actually utter the words, act on them, or proclaim who we are it will go away. Pure ignorance!!! I love my mom to death, and although I don't believe that these are exact thoughts, (I do know she would rather not deal with it) I do believe we got some growing to do!!!
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