Changes....

Wow its been a long month, and I am still trying to grasp it all. M and I...separated but not really, its weird I know, .....here's the deal. We have been having issues for some time, and we have been trying to work on them together to no avail, so I had met my 'breaking point" and told her about 3 months before our last lease was up I thought we needed to take a break. She agreed or at least she said she did so we slowly started to make plans to go our separate ways. My head hurts just thinking about it....

Um lets just say it has not worked out that way. I'll tell on myself first, and be honest and say, when I said we needed a break I wanted magically for her to say or think "o crap I am loosing her let me pull it in, change my actions and do everything humanly possible to keep her." Didn't happen, we still had our issues and I have to admit that my feelings were crushed. Then I find out later that apparently she wanted me to say that we could stay together and work it out. O my I completely missed that one. I honestly want it to work and I don't want to throw nearly a 4yr relationship down the toilet, but I just can't figure it out. We live two separate places now but nothing much has changed. We still talk continuously throughout the day, we still have the same issues, I feel like my needs are not being met, and she still feels like I am treating her like a child and that I don't feel like I need to make any changes. We haven't argued nearly as much in the last month which is a plus.

Its a plus but its not enough. I don't want to push to hard because I feel that's all I have been doing is pushing, so I am trying to step back and let her find her own. But its hard because I feel like my life hangs in the balance while we take time to let her catch up. So what do I do, is my nagging question? I would be foolish not to acknowledge and accept that in no way shape or form am I a perfect person. I am a work in progress, it burns me however when I attempt to talk to her about my issues and that is her first response is "K you are not perfect you have issues to". UUUUUUUUgggggghhhhhhhhh! I am trying to be patient and listen to her issues legitimately without blowing my top each time, but it's tough.

My fear is that she is not gonna change, that she won't get it, I won't get it, we won't get it, til its just too late. I know that I love her with all my heart but ............I am terrified because I know that my feelings and patience are changing. I am at the walk away and see if it comes back stage, and if she doesn't she was never truly mine as I had previously thought. I am so lost, and so terrified that the end is near, all I can do is hold on and let the Lord fight this battle for me. I have been trying to fix it on my own, (1st prob) and it is simply not working. So I am trying to step back, pray more, and say less.....

Lord help me, I am not that talented.